When we got married, people were forever asking when were we going to start a family. Being the blunt Aussie that I am I'd grin and say "well we're having sex without contraception we'll see what happens eh?"
Neither of us was expecting much. I'd had miscarriages and various female problems, and I'm on the *ahem* larger side, so I honestly thought it wouldn't happen for us. And that was ok. But much to our suprise, we got home from honeymoon, got back into work, and bang! I fell pregnant with Joseph.
To be honest, I thought I would have had my first child by 26, not 36. I thought I'd have a flock of children, at the very least 2.
So now, the questions are starting again. "When will Joseph have a brother or sister?"
After Joseph was born we went to see the very kind consultant who would have done by regular appointments in the third trimester, I had met her once previously. Sitting in the waiting room was hilarious. Follow up consultations are done in Antenatal, so there I am 7 weeks after Joseph's birth, sitting in a room full of pregnant women. And I should have been pregnant too.
I saw three of the doctors who were involved in my care. Each one came and gave me a massive hug, turned white and said "um, what are you doing here?" Grinning my husband and I both looked at them in turn and said "follow up, its ok, we've not gone again!"
Dr P called us in and we had a chat. She explained what had happened and asked the question. "will you be having any more children?" I smiled and said "80% no, and 20% maybe". The look on her face was priceless. I rescued her "Your looking at me like that would be a really bad idea", she then went on to say that she didn't want to tell us we couldn't have any more, and that it wasn't her place, and if I wanted more children she would work her butt off to get me to 30 weeks.
"oh nooooooooooooooo, if we'd be better of getting a dog just tell us!" we both said!
So the decision was made. I feel like I have had a complete miracle. Joseph could well have died, or be disabled. At the very least we were told that he would have lifelong feeding problems, and chronic lung disease.
We have a very well, very happy little boy In their first year, babies are meant to get 14 colds a year. Joseph has had three. Like the song I posted yesterday "looking at you know, you would never know".
I feel like other people deserve miracles. Maybe there's only so many to go around, I don't know.
I do know I couldn't see another child like that, with wires and machines, undergoing medical procedures, looking so tiny and scared. I could not have another baby that I wasn't allowed to hold. That is the singlemost difficult thing about special care. You know you can't handle your baby, but every fibre of your being wants to throw your breast pump out the window and hold your baby to your breast.
It's hard though. My body has more desire than ever to fall pregnant, I can feel it. I really want that full term birth out the lambing end. I want a non-medicalised delivery, and to hold my baby as soon as he/she is born.
But there are babies everywhere. My best premmie mum friend is having further IVF treatment, I see babies all the time at baby group, and my sister is making a new one as I type! And, in all likelihood, it's a boy!!!!!!!!!