Wires

"Wires"

You got wires, going in
You got wires, coming out of your skin
You got tears, making tracks
I got tears, that are scared of the facts

Running, down corridors through, automatic doors
Got to get to you, got to see this through
I see hope is here, in a plastic box
I've seen christmas lights, reflect in your eyes

You got wires, going in
You got wires, coming out of your skin
There's dry blood, on your wrist
Your dry blood on my fingertip

Running, down corridoors through, automatic doors
Got to get to you, got to see this through
First night of your life, curled up on your own
Looking at you now, you would never know

I see it in your eyes, I see it in your eyes
You'll be alright
I see it in your eyes, I see it in your eyes
You'll be alright

Alright

Running, down corridors through, automatic doors
Got to get to you, got to see this through
I see hope is here, in a plastic box
I've seen christmas lights, reflect in your eyes
down corridors, through automatic doors
Got to get to you, got to see this through
First night of your life, curled up on your own
Looking at you now, you would never know.

Wires by Athlete

This song is a mantra and anthem for so many parents who have a baby in special care. I used to listen to this song every morning in hospital on my iPod whilst I expressed my milk. Tears and milk flowed.

I've been feeling down all day, and it's taken til tonight to realise why. Today is the anniversary of the day from hell.

Joseph was into his 5th day in special care. I went down in the morning, and there were concerns, no one was saying much, except that things were not looking good. By the afternoon I was in a mess, I kept getting updates from different doctors, and really, things were not good. I went up to my room for a late lunch and the room didn't look right. I thought nothing of it and went back to special care.

This consultant came in and said to me "you do not understand what is happening here. You baby could die". Ok, so I was holding his foot and singing 5 little ducks, but what is a mummy to do? I felt so hopeless, I just didn't know what I should be doing. The pregnancy books do not cover what to do when your baby is 1lb 7oz and in an incubator, or maybe I just missed that bit.

The doctor went on to explain Joseph probably had NEC, necrolitising enterocolitis. I did not understand what this meant. Now having been on this journey with other parents, I realise why the doctor thought I was on planet moo moo. NEC is potentially, and often, fatal. Again, not covered in my pregnancy books, and God knows I'd read enough of them.

I went up into my room for a rest and to think, and it really didn't look right. It had been ransacked. I checked the drawers. Wallet - check, iPod - check, camera - check, emergency chocolate - check.

I looked again. The big blue fluffy teddy bear that someone had given me had gone. Vanished. Taken. I called the cleaner and the nursing staff who said I must have misplaced it. It was a foot high for goodness sake.

The bear didn't matter I don't suppose. It couldn't go to special care as it was huge. But to me, it symbolised hope. No one else dared get us anything. Someone had even bought us a sympathy card......No one thought this baby was going to live, except this one lady who had bought a teddy bear. And now it had gone.

I was inconsolable. I could not stop crying. I rang my husband in tears. He rushed in with a beautiful little bear with a pink blanket, for me. The nursing staff got together and gave me a big beautiful dog. A family also in special care came up to me later with their little sons, about 4 and 6, and they had dug in their toy box for a replacement.

As it transpires, a dad to be had stolen it. He was a crack addict (lots of them in our hospital) and was desperate. I felt a little better, to be honest, that it was going to a tiny bubba who perhaps otherwise would have had nothing.

Later that night I went back to special care, and sung to my little boy, only to be interupted by a doctor. They had caught it. The antibiotics were working. Joseph was stabilising.

But that bit of my heart that thought he was going to die will always be that little bit broken.