Tuesday 5 July 2011

Recall, Memory and Small Babies

Lately I have been taking part in some research projects. There have been two main ones, first a DVD for mothers and fathers who have a baby in a Neonatal Unit (NICU), and secondly a booklet for Tommy's about premature birth.

Part of the second project involved telling our story to a professional writer. And you know, I think its the first time I have cohesively told the story from beginning to continuous end to someone in a completely impartial role. And you know what, it sort of hurt.

When Joseph was in hospital and I was so stressed, caught up in it all, and wondering if it would ever end, people would say "one day, you will forget all about this time". And I used to hate it. How could I ever forget? The fear, the loneliness, the isolation, the anger, the grief. But you know, yesterday brought it all flooding back, and yes, I had forgotten.

I was never one for keeping keepsakes. Other mums left hospital with lots of different things from their baby's journey. I left with virtually nothing. I didn't even keep one of the incredibly small nappies. Last week, when at the consultant, I asked for one, so I could keep it, and take a picture.


I really had forgotten just how small Joseph was at birth. I was asked yesterday to recount our journey through NICU. I had forgotten the fear, the reality of being sat down by a consultant and being told that my baby might not live through the night. I really had forgotten about the nitty gritty of life in the unit. I recalled how I used to catch four buses if I went twice, and six buses if I had a break for lunch in town, and eight buses if I went twice a day. I forgot about the madness of organising the redecoration of our flat whilst Joseph was critically ill. I forgot about how we hated being in the flat at night as there was a great gaping hole in our lives. Our baby was not with us.

When I support other mums and dads I always say the same thing, that that time in hospital is so surreal, you have a baby but you don't have a baby. The crib is empty, you may have bought your pram but you can't use it. I remember how weird it was to have our car seat fitted and we drove around for a couple of weeks with a car seat, but nothing to put in it. I wanted a big teddy bear or something so it didn't look so empty.

And today, both my husband and my mother have said the same thing "look at what you have now, everything is fine, you have a happy toddler". But my feelings today aren't about the present, and yes I know how lucky I am. I know and am painfully aware that not everyone takes their babies home.

But despite the PTSD and the months of feeling awful, I don't think I have grieved. I did grieve for my lost pregnancy, but I don't think I ever grieved for the loss of that normal newborn experience. I think though, the relationship I have with Joseph is different because of what we went through in those early months, and that's just fine by me, because I think he's amazing. (That's him looking at the "silly nappy" as he called it!)

Don't forget the give away for a Disco Pig

59 comments:

  1. I'm approaching T's first bday and the anniversary of her birth is hitting me harder than I thought it would. I though to a certain extent we breezed through it all but on reflection, I am looking back a lot more and have regular random flashbacks to random places such as landmarks on the journey we made every day to the hospital where T was sent. The thing is I also can't remember that much of the actual important detail and this bothers me. I am forgetting the terminology, I am forgetting what it felt like to have a baby so desperately ill and of COURSE this is good, this is what should happen, you can't dwell on the past, on the sheer terror you felt. Yet there is a small part of me that is annoyed at myself for forgetting, because this was such a big deal to us, the most important thing that has ever happened. So why is my brain not allowing me to remember? I want to remember just how lucky we are, just how hard a journey it was and how amazingly amazingly grateful I am when as you say Kylie, there are lots of babies that don't come home at all and this makes me feel so very sad. I'd say I have an element of survivor guilt to be honest.

    Our journey may have been different to that of a 'normal' birth and I hate to use that word, and my husband always says to me you have to look forward, but sometimes looking back is all my brain allows me to do.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Too true. I started Molly's blog because I knew I would forget - the rawness of our emotions and experiences as we go through that terrifying neonatal journey are just so powerful that I believe the mind makes us shut it away...until something or someone makes you actually sit and think about it. It's something I try to bear in mind when I'm talking about parent experiences...yes I've got opinions and I speak to other people about their experiences, but I'm looking at things now with the benefit of almost 2 years of hindsight and an awful lot more knowledge than I had when Molly was born. It's difficult to truly see things through the eyes of a new parent who has just stepped onto a NNU for the first time, but it's important sometimes to allow yourself to remember - however horrid that can be. For me, it's the particular smell of the hand wash in the hospital where Molly was born that brings it all back. Be gentle on yourself lovely lady...and treasure that 'silly nappy'!

    ReplyDelete
  3. ghostwritermummy5 July 2011 at 14:20

    Kylie, although I can never know what it must have been like to have a premature baby, I do understand your greving for your pregnancy and your need to grieve for your newborn days. I knew how special that time should've been as when we had Eva it was amazing. I know also that saying look at what you have now makes no difference. I really don't have any words if wisdom I;'m afraid, just wanted to let you know understand XxX

    ReplyDelete
  4. I think one of the problems I had, and I'm going to blog about it, is that on the unit I was Polyanna. I was happy everyday. I walked in there with a smile on my face, and I just loved my baby and got on with it. That was my reality, and I had to live it the best I good. The writer asked me if I had regretted being like that. I don't think there was another way for me to get through that time, but maybe there was......And I think that's why now that I'm letting myself "go there" I'm realising how much we missed.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Helen, I think we all have "survivor guilt" and a friend reminded me yesterday that often, when someone has lost a baby, what makes them happy is people enjoying and loving their babies.

    The first year is an odd milestone, full of happy and sad memories, and then there's what I call the "dead space" between the actual birth date and due date. Mentally I found that hard, I don't think I'd really realised how long 3 months is until that first year, and the enormity of what happened hit me.

    I do think, and this an awful broad sweeping generalisation, that dad's are better at just living in the present and forgetting about what happened to their babies. I know Corey doesn't feel it as keenly as I do, and that's hard too.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Yes I think that's very true, that with two years hindsight and a lot more knowledge, you do forget. I know I've offhandedly spoken about heart murmurs and PDAs and I have to work to recall that fear when the doctor said "there might be something wrong with Joseph's heart", to me now PDA's and heart murmurs are all part of the journey, but to a new NICU mum, its devastating, and then you learn and you process, and it becomes part of your new normal too.

    I can relate to the handwash, but you know what's lovely I have a new memory of that. Whenever we go back, Joseph and I stop at the handwashing station, and I squirt my hands and his hands and we have a big wash and talk about germs etc. Very loudly. And we have queues of people washing their hands too!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Fascinating blog Kylie, I can really feel the emotion coming through. x

    ReplyDelete
  8. i totally agree with you Kylie. I know with Ian when i try and talk to him about it he just shuts off. He's told me he don't like talking about it because he gets angry about what happened. Which i guess i've got to except and hope one day he will open up to me about it.
    It's Lola 1st birthday next Friday and I've been feeling all different kinds of emotions, i tried to talk to my boss about it the other day as i wanted her birthday off and as all the labour started when i was at work i know it will be an emotional day if i was to be there. She has let me have the day off but her comment was "well Lola is still here and safe and well" which i thank god every day that she's here but sometimes i feel like people think i'm just being silly about it and they cant understand why i cant move on from it. I feel like they think because she is still here i should be grateful. I know that people have been more unfortunate than me and have lost their babies and even that people have had earlier prems than Lola was. But why should that mean that i cant feel emotion to what happened to me and Lola. It wasn't just Lola that nearly died I nearly died too, i know that probably sounds selfish but to think that i nearly left my family and to think how they would cope how ian would cope. It makes you look at life in a different way. And i think people forget the fact i nearly died too. To be told that you could die in half an hour was awful all i could think about was Katie at home and what would Ian say to here. To lose her mummy and her baby sister i just cant seem to move on from that.
    The other thing i feel is guilt i feel guilty that i never cried when she was born i never cried the first time i saw her the first time i had a cuddle. All i remember feeling is numb I didn't know how to feel, i didn't want to bond with Lola in case she was taken from me, somehow i thought if she was taken from me i would cope better if i tried to stop my self from bonding with her. But as any mother you cant help but let your love grow for your child. I regret not asking more questions i just wanted her to get better, and when i look back i think i didn't ask certain questions because i was to scared of what the answers would be. I regret i wasn't there for her enough not physically but emotional and mentally.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I just want to give you a huge hug. It IS hard, we've been through a life changing experience, and something we never expected to go through. When your pregnant, you don't think about it at all, do you? You expect to get huge, to have a labour, to get to do all the fluffy new born things.

    I nearly died too, my consultant said I was about six hours away from total organ failure. And that's frightening. No one tells you that pregnancy can kill you, do they?

    I think you need to let go of the guilt. The brain works in mysterious ways. Mine went the opposite, and I bonded straight away, but then I got accused of being too positive and loving him too much and not understanding that he was ill, so you can't win.

    You've done an amazing job, and you love Lola now with all your heart and its the now that matters.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I've just found your blog, this rings so true to me. My twins have just turned a year old, and although their birthday was a wonderful celebration, the next seven weeks are looming at me with a whole host of anniversaries I don't WANT to remember. Thank you for your posts.

    ReplyDelete
  11. This is because they have a high number of satisfied clients
    who have purchased likes and fans in bulk and are reaping the immense benefits.
    For those who do not have much experience, there are many sites that offer
    a free book on how to better sell their products through Facebook fans,
    so do not wait, build your site and buy some fans
    now. The first step in this regard is to make a fan page.

    Stop by my web site; http://socialbears.com/google-plus-one/

    ReplyDelete
  12. This plan of yours is a plan of action, and that
    means you take action every single day. Robert Riohe
    is a well-known author, he has been writing different blogs on different topics like health,nutrition,supplements etc.
    There are many blog plug-ins  such as Caffeinated Content for Wordpress  that  pulls.


    Also visit my web site :: Internet Marketing Tips

    ReplyDelete
  13. It is particularly helpful as you fight off this yeast infection in mouth.
    Are you looking to get rid of troublesome yeast infections.
    Apple-cider vinegar diluted in water kills yeast and provides temporary
    relief.

    Review my weblog :: yeast infection after period every month
    Also see my web site - chronic yeast infection and pregnancy

    ReplyDelete
  14. When you stop PPC, traffic dies immediately and your
    business is dead in the water. Keep on experimenting but learn
    form the past mistakes and do not try to implement those in the
    future plans. Relate to them and they will always come back.


    Also visit my site Internet Marketing Plan

    ReplyDelete
  15. Hey, I think your website might be having browser compatibility issues.
    When I look at your blog site in Chrome, it looks fine but when opening in Internet Explorer, it has some overlapping.
    I just wanted to give you a quick heads up! Other then that,
    excellent blog!

    Feel free to surf to my web blog ... 5th birthday party ideas

    ReplyDelete
  16. Fantastic site. Plenty of helpful information
    here. I am sending it to a few buddies ans also
    sharing in delicious. And of course, thanks in your sweat!



    Look at my blog post :: 13th birthday party ideas
    my web site: 1st birthday party ideas

    ReplyDelete
  17. It is through urine and feces that we purge our body of
    infection. Implementing these changes in your life, will be effective remedies against
    recurrent yeast infections, when undertaken with a holistic
    yeast infection treatment program that will kill the yeast infection from the inside out.
    Finding the best vaginal yeast infection remedy that will work for you will end all the disturbing symptoms of
    the infection improving the quality of your life.

    Feel free to visit my site vaginal yeast infection and bleeding

    ReplyDelete
  18. He will know when he’s done something bad or good.
    This will help make navigating the weaving poles a habit for you dog.
    Dog Training Using Praise.

    My blog :: karma dog training austin

    ReplyDelete
  19. Think about fields that interest you, talents with which you are blessed and needs that are not being met to come up with your own list of outside
    the box job ideas self employment. Another tip is to start with the basic
    skills. 435-896-1737 Annabella, Utah Trainers: Chris and Julie Holt.


    Also visit my web blog :: tulsa dog training academy

    ReplyDelete
  20. When you stop PPC, traffic dies immediately and your business is dead in the water.
    You are now familiar with the advanced search feature of Yahoo Answers, once you do a.
    There are many blog plug-ins  such as Caffeinated Content for Wordpress  that  pulls.


    Here is my site; Internet Marketing Coach

    ReplyDelete
  21. Natural remedies are deemed highly efficient, cost effective,
    and significantly safe to use. - Direct vaginal contact with chemicals, dyes
    and perfumes. Thick, white discharge from the penis.


    Also visit my site; bad yeast infection and bleeding

    ReplyDelete
  22. Simple and Easy to Create Recipes with clear step by step instructions you will be able to
    produce paleo friendly meals that get rave reviews from friends and family every- time.
    Obesity is an epidemic in our society. Grains, salt, processed oils, legumes, and any other food that is not available
    yet during the said era are not including in this special type of diet.


    Stop by my blog - paleo diet and crossfit

    ReplyDelete
  23. Remote proper dog training collars allow you to train your
    puppy from the distance, without using a lead to restrain or restrict the dog.
    Bond With Your Dog Through Play. In 2005, Ford,
    a Gateway employee, decided it was time for a career change.



    Also visit my web-site perfect dog training as seen on tv

    ReplyDelete
  24. Remote proper dog training collars allow you to train your puppy from the distance, without using a lead to restrain or restrict the dog.
    Bond With Your Dog Through Play. In 2005, Ford, a Gateway
    employee, decided it was time for a career change.

    Also visit my website - perfect dog training as seen on tv
    My web page > dog training academy

    ReplyDelete
  25. Even just 15 minutes a day keeps your piano playing ability
    in tune. Instead, focus on a single thing or just a couple of
    things, and try not to move forward until you have reached those goals.
    ][.

    Here is my weblog piano Chords Amaj7

    ReplyDelete
  26. One quick and important note: make sure you
    know the requirements and can get them all accomplished for your out-of-state
    or out-of-country wedding. Meredith's mother suffered from Alzheimer's in prior
    seasons. This site helps you find vendors within your local area.


    Feel free to surf to my web-site wedding website about me

    ReplyDelete
  27. Later on, among the continued practice ending up will continue to be auxiliary
    accustomed burning the various chords. Now among
    the advice of your educational materials, shoring jar discover all the things of
    the substitute chords. Piano players that struggle are the ones that don't play with passion and feeling.

    my page ... Blues Piano chords and scales

    ReplyDelete
  28. And that is the first rule of keywords - Relevance.

    Keep on experimenting but learn form the past mistakes and do not
    try to implement those in the future plans. There are many blog
    plug-ins  such as Caffeinated Content for Wordpress  that  pulls.


    Here is my webpage Internet Marketing Tips

    ReplyDelete
  29. When you're learning chords, you learn and study them for only One Key at a time. Then you can quickly and easily figure out how to play any chord in any key on the spot, whether you've memorized
    that specific chord or not. ][.

    my site piano chords and notes chart

    ReplyDelete
  30. On Sunday nights Erin Jaimes hosts a blues jam where anyone from Alan Haynes to Gary Clark, Jr.
    Local country clubs are offering trivia fun for as little as forty dollars per couple.
    The buccal cavity is a small cavity that has neither jaws nor teeth.


    Feel free to visit my webpage; free pub quiz answers
    Also see my page: redtooth pub quiz answers

    ReplyDelete
  31. There are many sources to choose from that can offer simple
    solutions to the problems you are experiencing
    with your canine. You should teach your dog and talk to
    him during training sessions. In 2005, Ford, a Gateway employee, decided
    it was time for a career change.

    My page - hunting dog training aids
    Also see my web page - dog training accessories

    ReplyDelete
  32. If you're on a budget have your guests light sparklers as you depart. This is the perfect chance to send a wedding announcement. 4.

    Here is my blog post :: free wedding website advertising
    My web page - wedding website affiliate program

    ReplyDelete
  33. In relation to the last paragraph, the question had arisen by the people that how the diet can be eaten by us in the same form in which it
    was utilized by our ancestors. The fact is, most grains are
    quite high in glycemic index, meaning that they make your blood sugar go up rapidly, and
    send you crashing down soon thereafter. Other diets target only eating
    a particular food group or perhaps raw foods only.


    Here is my weblog; the paleo diet and cholesterol

    ReplyDelete
  34. One quick and important note: make sure you know the requirements and can get them all
    accomplished for your out-of-state or out-of-country wedding.

    Fortunately, our minister has neither, and he's asked very little of us as well. An increasing number of marrying couples (particularly those entering second or later marriages) will request that guests refrain from giving gifts.

    Also visit my website - wedding website advice

    ReplyDelete
  35. Great blog here! Also your website loads up fast!
    What web host are you using? Can I get your
    affiliate link to your host? I wish my site loaded up as fast as
    yours lol

    my blog post :: 10th birthday party ideas
    Also see my website - 10th birthday party ideas

    ReplyDelete
  36. This plan of yours is a plan of action, and that means you
    take action every single day. First a website has to be found, and such a task is often difficult when you consider the
    fact "each website is competing against millions of others for Top Placement in Search Engines. Hours of daily internet marketing available.

    Also visit my blog: internet Marketing plan
    my page > Internet Marketing Plan

    ReplyDelete
  37. When you stop PPC, traffic dies immediately and your business
    is dead in the water. Checkout his article on Ambit and on Nu Skin Review.
    Budget.

    Look at my blog ... Internet Marketing Tips
    My page :: Internet Marketing Techniques

    ReplyDelete
  38. Only 1 address, while. In the event you employ strategies that may be
    employed in agreement together with your dog's normal urge and instincts, you'll be able to improve its character and provide restrictions that can
    maintain your dog satisfied. We turn off the
    TV.

    Feel free to surf to my blog: therapy dog training austin

    ReplyDelete
  39. You can make your weddings in Delhi a success
    by trust tasks to your love ones. What is even more exciting
    is that you will be able to keep this wedding website for one year, at no
    cost to you. If you don't have time, think about hiring someone for Best wedding website.

    Also visit my page; wedding website and invitations

    ReplyDelete
  40. Only 1 address, while. Perhaps, the way to go will probably be yes.
    With the Easy Walk Harness, if your dog attempts to pull forward the straps across the
    chest and shoulder blades begin to tighten.

    Visit my website: wilford dog training academy
    Also see my webpage > dog training at home

    ReplyDelete
  41. There are features that allow you to keep track
    of vendors that you like and keep notes so you know why they are listed.
    What is even more exciting is that you will be
    able to keep this wedding website for one year, at
    no cost to you. If you don't have time, think about hiring someone for Best wedding website.

    Also visit my webpage ... wedding website and invitations

    ReplyDelete
  42. Those that are not familiar with the area will treasure this
    information above all else, and it will help them enjoy your wedding more thoroughly.
    (Here's the key difference. Out of town guests will feel especially welcome if you give them special attention at the reception.

    Here is my blog post ... wedding Website about Us

    ReplyDelete
  43. Even just 15 minutes a day keeps your piano playing ability in tune.

    Do not overlook this part of your learning. These hail every
    little thing played getting rid of barely the sophisticated
    keys, so you ought to keep effective toward crush extra listed below barely a limited area of time.


    Have a look at my homepage piano chords and keys tutorial

    ReplyDelete
  44. Also, we need to determine the rounds of the quiz according
    to it. I believe my exact words were "I don't want to be your dirty little secret. The decline of the East side blues scene was disheartening, but, it also gave rise to the need for a fresh start, which came in the form of the next blues-only venue, Antone's, founded by the late Clifford Antone, during the summer of 1975.

    Feel free to visit my page :: funny pub quiz names

    ReplyDelete
  45. The only hurdle to accessing this is of course human limitations and the fact
    that the brain does not function solely as a learning tool for the human being.
    I believe my exact words were "I don't want to be your dirty little secret. The Bull's Head Pub, Bangkok.

    Here is my blog post ... pub quiz and answers general knowledge

    ReplyDelete
  46. (Thank you rounds are always welcome, of course. Brazenhead is a great place
    to go with your family or for a business lunch or dinner, but
    if you are looking for a party atmosphere, this isn't it. Her father, Bruce Paltrow, produced the critically acclaimed TV series that is considered the precursor to many medical shows today, St.

    Take a look at my web blog :: best pub quiz names

    ReplyDelete
  47. I am really impressed with your writing skills as well as with the layout
    on your blog. Is this a paid theme or did you modify it yourself?
    Either way keep up the excellent quality writing, it is rare to see a great blog like
    this one today.

    Also visit my page - kids birthday party ideas
    My page - kids birthday party ideas

    ReplyDelete
  48. He will know when he’s done something bad or good. Superdog has facilities
    in Sacramento, Los Angeles, San Francisco, Walnut Creek, Oakland, Napa, and Orange County.
    It is wise to take the classical conditioning method first because it is easier to do.


    Also visit my webpage - malaysia guard dog training accessories

    ReplyDelete
  49. '''. Instead, focus on a single thing or just a couple of things, and try not to move forward until you have reached those goals. Once you know these scales, in all twelve keys, then you have a very solid foundation on which to learn how to play piano chords.

    my page printable piano chords and scales

    ReplyDelete
  50. The decor on the inside of the restaurant is absolutely beautiful.
    * Team answer sheets - Basically a grid lined A4 type sheet with answer
    write in numbered boxes and a line on top for the team name.
    8.

    Here is my blog post ... pub quiz austin texas

    ReplyDelete
  51. Only 1 address, while. Superdog has facilities in Sacramento, Los Angeles, San
    Francisco, Walnut Creek, Oakland, Napa, and Orange County.
    With the Easy Walk Harness, if your dog attempts to
    pull forward the straps across the chest and shoulder blades begin to tighten.


    Here is my website ... triple Crown dog training austin
    My web page: dog training and boarding atlanta

    ReplyDelete
  52. You still have to expert all of those other
    guitar chords so as to engage in very easy popular music.
    Then you can quickly and easily figure out how to play any chord in
    any key on the spot, whether you've memorized that specific chord or not. The last type of chords we will discuss in this article are spread voicings.

    Also visit my weblog; piano chords amazing grace my chains are gone

    ReplyDelete
  53. Even just 15 minutes a day keeps your piano playing ability in
    tune. Then you can quickly and easily figure out how to play any chord in
    any key on the spot, whether you've memorized that specific chord or not. Pretend that we are palming an egg and keep your arms relaxed and fingers curled.

    My page piano chords apologize timbaland

    ReplyDelete
  54. It was developed by Walter L. The fact is, most grains are quite high in glycemic index, meaning that they make your blood sugar go up rapidly, and send you crashing down
    soon thereafter. Other diets target only eating a particular food group or perhaps raw foods only.


    My webpage the paleo diet and acne

    ReplyDelete
  55. How do you find different blogs on Blogger with keyword or search?


    Feel free to surf to my weblog :: transvaginal mesh lawyers

    ReplyDelete
  56. It is through urine and feces that we purge our body of infection.
    Are you looking to get rid of troublesome yeast infections.
    Although the treatment has been successful for many people
    with Candida, be warned that some of the side effects may include excessive vaginal discharge, discomfort and
    burning in the vaginal area.

    my website; How To Cure A Yeast Infection At Home Test
    My website: male yeast infection and diabetes

    ReplyDelete
  57. It is through urine and feces that we purge our body of
    infection. Include about three to 4 tablespoons of vinegar to a bathtub stuffed with a tiny sum of warm h2o
    and only bathe in it for fifteen to twenty minutes.
    Seek medical or professional help.

    Feel free to surf to my site yeast infection and pregnancy and treatment

    ReplyDelete
  58. Later on, among the continued practice ending up will continue
    to be auxiliary accustomed burning the various chords.
    -- Notes: Bb D F. When you're acquainted with these core 7 keys you can start to learn about the black keys (flats and sharps).

    Have a look at my site :: piano chords and scales sheet

    ReplyDelete
  59. Contact Kayak Fishing Fever today by calling 518-368 8332.
    In water types, you can consider cold or warm water, waves
    volume and other related elements. To read more about sea kayaking and
    kayak fishing, see the content-rich blogs Sea Kayaking Dot Net and North - American Kayak Fishing.


    Also visit my webpage: broadband

    ReplyDelete