Sunday, 17 November 2013

I'm a Mother Get Me Out of Here

That night, after the day from hell, I went home and I wrote down a list of questions. One the Monday morning I went to see my favourite nurse and I asked to see her alone. She took me into the office and shut the door.

"I can't do this anymore" I said. "It is just too much, too much pain, sadness, I need to go home". She nodded. "Tell me what steps does Joseph need to go through before discharge". She outlined his feeding as the biggest issue, his bradycardias and his heart murmur.

My milk was beginning to fail and I was geting so exhausted. I knew the supply in the freezer was dwindling.

I asked about donor milk. No it was too expensive. Can I buy it? No, not Trust policy. Oh.

That afternoon I sat with Joseph and I let myself cry. Utterly selfish tears. I knew what I'd have to do.

The next day was ward rounds. I waited for my favourite doctor. We had had our moments but I knew he'd tell me straight. "I have had enough" I said. I didn't cry. "I hate this place" He looked at me with compassion. He explained about the issues as the nurse had done.

I made my decision. We would start giving formula. It made my heart weep but I couldn't go on. I gave Joseph nutriprem. I felt like I was poisoning him. He drank it. He drank alternate bottles of that and breast milk. I kept trying him on the breast when I thought I could get away with it.

And finally my supply stopped. Bottle after bottle was drunk. His bradycardias became less, his weight improved.

And two weeks after we got our discharge date.

I hate formula.

But it got my baby home.

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